Bipolar Adventures in Europe
April 9, 2010 at 9:10 pm | Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Fun Stuff | Leave a commentIt has been a bit since my last post, so I will update you with the good news, in case you didn’t already know. I am going on a cruise in Europe in about six weeks. When the trip was booked and payment made, I was beyond excited….until a few days later.
Then, all of a sudden, it hit me. Traveler’s anxiety.
Here is the usual scenario for me. I complain that I feel restless. That I need some excitement in my life. I arrange to go on some short jaunt with my husband or a friend. I get to my destination. I feel like an “exciting” person for a day. The next day, I am ready to be home where things are comfortable…..and familiar.
So it dawned on me that I am about to take the longest vacation I have ever taken in my entire thirty years of being on this planet. Fifteen days. Fifteen days of not having my dog and cats near me. Fifteen days of not wrapping myself up in my slanket and dicking around on the internet. Fifteen days of being…..in unfamiliar territory. Immediately, the nerves began to settle in.
“What in the hell is wrong with me?” I thought. “I am about to go on the vacation of a lifetime, and I’m worried about stupid shit like if I bring the right clothes or if the natives will point at me and laugh at the stupid American tourist.”
The truth is, as most Bipolars are, I am always craving something new and exciting. At the same time, I do not like being without the comforts of home. I am starting to feel better now after talking about this with my therapist. However, a twinge of anxiety still looms in the background. I just have to remember that anything I forgot to pack, I can probably buy on the ship. And who knows….maybe they even have slankets in Europe.
Questions for Bipolars: What do you think of ECT?
March 20, 2010 at 2:59 pm | Posted in Bipolar Disorder | 2 CommentsWhile exploring my treatment options during pregnancy, I spoke with my doctor about the possibility of using ECT verses drugs. Ultimately, I was not a candidate; however, it hasn’t stopped my curiosity about the treatment itself. We have all heard the horror stories or seen movies depicting this procedures as some sort of weird science. I was wondering if anyone had been through this or has a friend or family member who has. I invite you to share your experiences with me.
My Worst Fear
March 18, 2010 at 11:05 pm | Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Pregnancy | Leave a commentI have been wrestling with the possibility of being a mom and having a child for a long time. I wonder if I can be patient and handle the stress of being a parent without losing my mind. I know a lot of people talk about losing their minds when raising their children, but I literally mean, I might lose my mind. I recently read an article from a mom that almost perfectly describes my worst fears.
Click here to read the full article.
In this article, the woman who is also bipolar describes what she goes through on a daily basis while raising her kids. Basically, to get through the day, she takes her medication, drinks a few glasses of wine, and smokes marijuana to help her cope. I really respect the woman’s honesty and the bravery it must takes to be so frank. However, I have to truly wonder if managing by drinking wine and smoking marijuana is truly “managing.” I’m sure she is just doing the best she can. However, I don’t want to have to “cope” while raising my kids. Sometimes, I wonder if I would doing a child a disservice because I may not be able to truly handle the responsibility. But I also want a child more than anything. And so the battle continues.
Questions for Parents: Why do you make your kids separate meals?
March 18, 2010 at 6:39 pm | Posted in Parenthood, Questions for Parents | 2 CommentsI hate to cook. I do it as little as possible. I am sure when I have a child, I will cook because I will not want them to eat frozen dinners every night. That being said, I have one question for parents. Why do you make your kids separate meals at dinner?
I have actually asked parents about this before. The usual answer that I get is that the child simply won’t eat the food the rest of the family is having. My response is usually, “So?” They follow up with “Well, I don’t want my child to starve.”
My position is that the laws of nature will take over. If children are truly hungry, they will eat almost anything you put in front of them, eventually. When I say this, most parents get defensive or just laugh at me. “You just don’t understand,” one friend said. “Kids are the most stubborn creates on the planet. I have tried that strategy, and my kid didn’t eat for two whole days!”
Now I understand if you are serving a dish that truly not “kid friendly.” If you are trying some new recipe that features roast duck, liver, and sauces you can’t pronounce, perhaps that is a good time to make the kid a ham sandwich. However, if the menu is spaghetti and meatballs, the kids should eat spaghetti and meatballs. Just because they are “in the mood” for something else, doesn’t mean the kid should have a special meal prepared for them. Besides, it has been my experience that by the time you fix children what they want, they will change their minds and want something else.
Am I being too judgmental?
The Big-Ass Pina Colada!!!
March 17, 2010 at 1:06 am | Posted in Fun Stuff | Leave a commentLove us or hate us, there is one thing that is absolutely true about us “bipolars.” When we do something, we don’t go halfway; we go big! My friend Kara and I decided to grab an “adult beverage” at a local Mexican establishment. After I ordered my pina colada, the waiter asked if I wanted a small, medium, large, or jumbo. Which one do you think I picked? The “jumbo,” of course.
The Big-Ass Pina Colada!
The Bipolar Wife
March 16, 2010 at 11:08 am | Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Other Topics | 1 Comment
Me with the love of my life!
Many people would agree that people with bipolar disorder often do not have the best relationships. There are many reasons for this. We are overly emotional. We can be extremely moody. Basically, we can be real pains in the ass. However, I have been extremely lucky to find my husband, Mark. He is perhaps the most understanding and patient man I have ever met in my life. He let’s me be who I am, and he loves me for who I am, not what he hopes I will be someday. This is key, because if you are married to a bipolar man or woman, I will give you some advice. They are not going to change. If you met your spouse and he or she was unpredictable and flighty, he or she will always be that way. No amount of threats, pleas, or manipulation is going to work to shape and mold that person into your ideal mate.
My husband never tries to change me, and he never has. What he has done is made some sort of effort to understand me. After over five years of marriage, he still doesn’t understand me. He can’t. If you haven’t suffered from a mental illness, there is no true way to understand the thoughts and feelings of someone else who does. I think this is where so many “bipolar” relationships go wrong. I don’t really care if my husband understands me. What I care about is that he understands that I am experiencing certain emotions, and he cares enough to be supportive and let me work through them on my own. He is my husband, not my therapist.
However, things didn’t always go so smoothly. I remember the first time I had one of my “mood swings” when we were together. It was early in our relationship. We were at his parents house. I walked into the restroom, looked at myself in the mirror, and started crying. I sat down on the floor, grabbed my head in my hands, and wailed like a newborn baby. This lasted for a few minutes, and then I got over it and felt better. I don’t even remember now what made me so upset. I came back out into the living room, and he was gone. He had heard me, and he didn’t know how to react, so he went away and hid, like a wounded animal. My initial reaction was that he didn’t care, because if he would have cared, he would have heard me and hugged me and told me that everything was going to be okay. Basically, I expected him to be psychic. Later on, I asked him why he didn’t come to comfort me. He said that he was scared, and he didn’t know what to do. He freaked out, so he did nothing.
It is amazing what a little communication will do. If I never would have asked him why he didn’t come find me, I would have kept on thinking that he was a monster who didn’t care about me. This, of course, couldn’t be further from the truth. Just because a person can’t understand you or what you are going through, it doesn’t mean that he or she isn’t concerned. I have told Mark that I don’t expect him to have the answers. I just want him to be there and hug me and say he is there for me if I need him.
Five Things That Rock About Being Bipolar
March 15, 2010 at 11:37 pm | Posted in Fun Stuff | 2 Comments
When most people think about someone who is bipolar, they think of some crazy woman screaming at herself in the mirror of the local Wal-Mart or sobbing in the middle of her kitchen floor. Actually, there are many things about being bipolar that totally rock! Here are just a few.
1. Nobody knows quite what to expect from us. Will we be glamorous? Will we channel dead rock stars? The possibilities are endless!
2. Bipolars do IT better! Its due to all the crazy mood swings we go through. Plus, bipolars are natural risk takers. Mmmmm!
3. We do shopping better than anyone. We can buy a year’s salary of jewelry and Snuggies on QVC in under ten minutes.
4. We are creative and innovative and have a knack for problem-solving. Give us some duct tape, feathers, and bricks, and call us…MacGyver.
5. If you want an honest opinion, ask us now. If you want a different opinion, ask us later.
Questions for Parents: Why is baby poop so fascinating?
March 14, 2010 at 6:08 pm | Posted in Parenthood, Questions for Parents | 4 CommentsAs a part of this blog, I am starting a section where I ask parents questions about their experiences. To me, an obvious question has always been, “Why is baby poop so fascinating?”
It seems that baby poop is the barometer for everything concerning babies. Is the baby eating enough? Check the poop. Is the baby sick? Check the poop. Is the baby developing normally? Check the poop. Is the baby the next Messiah? Check the poop. Okay, that last one I made up. But that would be interesting, wouldn’t it? I guess you would see an image of the Virgin Mary or something, but once again, I digress.
In my experience, whenever a friend or associate of mine has a baby, all of a sudden, poop becomes an acceptable topic for open conversation. You would never go up to say, your colleague at work, and ask them, “You don’t look well. Have you checked your poop?” Perhaps I’m missing something. Parents, please enlighten me with an answer to this question. I’m dying to know.
Children in Restaurants: A Glimpse Into the Future
March 14, 2010 at 4:24 am | Posted in Parenthood | 3 CommentsMy husband and I went out to dinner tonight, and at the table next to us were the cutest set of twin girls. They had little blond pigtails and big blue eyes. Mark (the husband) always seems to attract the attention of whatever child is sitting at a nearby booth or table. He will smile at the child and make a goofy face. Then, he or she usually will smile back and giggle. This time, however, when Mark smiled at one of the twin girls, she made a face like she was sucking on a lemon. It was clear that both of these little girls were not in a good mood.
Pondering this incident caused me to reflect on my attitudes toward children in restaurants. We have all been there. You walk into Olive Garden or some other establishment for a nice relaxing meal. You sit down at a lovely table for two. Then five minutes later, a family from hell is seated at the table next to you. The children are whining, crying, screaming, fighting, or doing some combination of these. The parents are obviously annoyed. From this point, I categorize the parents into two camps. The first type of parents become frantic and do everything they can to get their kids to behave and shut up. You hear them bribing the kids with ice cream after dinner, or threatening them with bodily harm. The other kind of parents are completely oblivious. The child could stand on the table and yell “fire,” yet the parents won’t blink an eye.
I’ll be honest. My usual tendency is to get on my high-horse and be critical of these parents. I think to myself Can’t these parents get a three-year-old to listen to them? These kids obviously have no respect for their parents.
At this moment, it is as if the parents are reading my mind (or perhaps my facial expressions) and are telepathically sending me a message. How dare you? This is the first meal we have had out in months! You probably don’t have any kids, so you don’t have any idea what it is like.
They are right. I don’t know. I won’t known until I too have procreated. Sure, I have been out to dinner with my sister and her three children. They whine and complain. They act out. But it is not the same. I love them, but they are not mine. Their behavior does not automatically reflect on me. It is my sister and her husband that get those judgmental stares from strangers.
Although I can’t know for sure, I can imagine how my response to other people’s children will change in these situations. My first instinct will no longer be to judge the parents and think that I could have handled things better. Instead, I will look at the children, and say, okay you little pieces of crap. You better shut the hell up, and listen to your parents. Your mother went through hours of excruciating labor to pop you out. The least you can do is be satisfied that they bought you the child’s macaroni and cheese. And for God’s sake kid, eat the damn thing.
The Journey Begins
March 13, 2010 at 5:35 am | Posted in Bipolar Disorder, Other Topics, Parenthood, Pregnancy, Ramblings | 1 CommentThose who know me well know that I am spontaneous, unpredictable, and well, kind of flaky. In college, I changed majors like most people change socks. Before I met and married my husband, I had a series of short relationships, because I changed my mind…a lot. I have had many plans, but due to my fickle nature, most of them did not come to fruition. I am an explorer. However, the one thing that I have always been sure of through my entire life is that I want to be a mother. I remember being four years old and thinking up the names of my future children. I had the perfect one picked out for a little girl: Syrup. It had a nice ring to it. Perhaps this was due to my love of pancakes and Aunt Jemima maple syrup, but I digress.
Well finally, after years of searching for the right man, getting my career in order, and becoming settled, I am ready to start a family. This should be simple right? Sperm and egg. Not rocket science. There is just one thing that makes my situation very different. I have bipolar disorder.
For people who don’t know what bipolar disorder is, I will give you two definitions. The textbook definition says, “Any of the mood disorders typically characterized by periods of mania and depression.” The second definition? “The ability to be on top of the world one minute and in the depths of despair the next, also known as ‘hell on earth.’” Basically, having bipolar disorder sucks. It sucks more for some than for others. Luckily, mine consists of only a moderate amount of suckage. I am fortunate enough to be one of those who was diagnosed fairly early in life. I have a family that recognizes this for what it is, a mental disorder. I am not crazy (though sometimes I do feel that way). I am “different.” I am proud to say that I have been able to live a pretty productive life. I have a good marriage, a loving family, and two master’s degrees. So what is the big deal with taking on parenthood?
The big deal is that it is….PARENTHOOD! I will be responsible for this other person. I will have to make sure they are fed and clothed. Frankly, there are days when I am lucky to do that for myself! I am supposed to be the person that my child can depend on. What if I am having a majorly bad time when my child needs me the most? What if I pass this “thing” on to him or her? What if the medications I am taking hurt my baby? There are so many things to consider….and worry about.
This blog will be about my journey to get past both the physical and mental obstacles of becoming a “bipolar mommy.” I welcome any comments or advice that anyone might give me on bipolar disorder, parenting with bipolar disorder, breastfeeding, diaper changing, poop, placentas, weird birth stories, or whatever may else may come to mind. And so….the journey begins.
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